Life is complicated.
When I say that, I’m talking about life in general. As of right now, my life is fairly simple. I don’t have a job (yet! I am actively looking for summer work though, so if you know of some places that are hiring, let me know), so I have quite a bit of free time. I don’t really have any obligations for the next few months either… As far as the summer is concerned, life couldn’t be any less complicated.
As we “zoom out” a bit and take our focus away from just this summer, the scene gets increasingly more complicated. I’ll be headed back to college in late August– something that I’m reminded of almost daily by my parents, who are worried about my current “undecided” major status (something that only became a problem after last semester, when I began to realize that Biochem might not be right for me, and began to “explore my options”).
Just thinking about going back to school in the Fall raises my blood pressure… I have so many things to figure out before then. Do I want to continue majoring in Biochemistry? Should I make a decision now, or should I wait until I get back to campus so I can sit down and talk to the career services counselors? What classes should I take next semester? Can I afford to stay in the dorms next year? Will I be able to juggle having a part-time job, a full course-load, and a social life?
These questions breed other, more concerning questions, like:
- Do I really want to go back to school in the Fall?
- Should I take a year off, move out, save up some money, and then go back to school when I can afford to pay for it all independently?
- Should I join the military?
Its all very frustrating, and my parents are not helping by pressuring me to make quick decisions that will affect my entire life. I just want to smack my head against the wall, and have fifteen-minutes to think everything through. They don’t understand that I’m a very analytical person, and that I like to think everything through before I make a decision. They want answers. Results. Something solid.
What frustrates me is that they don’t understand that I want all of those things as well. I want to know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I want to know what I’m going to be studying for the next four-years. I want to have a job so I can pay for college. From my perspective, they don’t seem to understand that. It feels like they think I’m still a kid who doesn’t have the capacity to think ahead about how all of these decisions are going to affect me, and how hanging out in this “limbo”-zone of indecision isn’t good for anyone– especially me.
I GET ALL OF THAT.I UNDERSTAND. I AM NOT AN IDIOT.
When I think of next semester… I think of it as a fresh start. But the thing about fresh starts is that they are never truly “fresh”; all of the fuck ups you committed before still happened. They’re still on the record. You can’t deny their existence– your existence alone is evidence that you’ve fucked up before. The whole “learn from your mistakes”-thing that our teachers tried to drill into our skulls back in elementary school… I get that now.
It’s too bad it took over ten-years to sink in.