Hazing 101: How the Upperclassmen “keep it Fresh”

If my past three years of high school have only managed to teach me one thing, it’s that Freshmen are quite possibly the most naive, annoying, stupid, and short individuals to ever walk the halls of West High. Each year they get worse, entering West with a sense of entitlement. I think it’s time for the class of 2011 to remind the underclassmen who’s in charge at West.

We don’t have to physically or verbally abuse Freshmen– that isn’t productive or legal. We just need to remind them who’s in charge by bringing back a lost tradition that we endured when we were Freshmen.

At the beginning of the year assembly, when the Freshmen go to cheer for their class, we need to drown them out in deafening boos AND throw stuff at them.

We had stuff thrown at us during our first assembly as Freshmen. The seniors threw hot dogs, pickles, Twinkies, water bottles, and God-knows-what-else at us, and our class had the audacity to throw the stuff back at the Seniors. The class of 2011 showed the class of 2008 that we weren’t pushovers. We need to reinforce this message to the Juniors, Sophomores, and Freshmen at this years assembly by bringing this tradition back.

Why should we abuse the Juniors and the Sophomores in addition to the Freshmen? The Juniors and Sophomores did not have a single thing thrown at them from the Seniors of the past two years. This is completely unacceptable. We were hazed. We must take revenge by throwing stuff at people who had absolutely nothing to do with the people who threw stuff at us. Is it logical? No. Would it be appropriate or mature? Not really. Would it reinforce the message that the class of 2011 is a class not to be messed with? Heck yes!

This probably won’t happen though, because the faculty will threaten to cancel a dance and future assemblies, like they have in the past two years, if we throw things at the Freshmen during the assembly. Everyone will chicken out, and we will just boo the freshmen without throwing a single banana. So that plan is out.

Then how will we remind the freshmen that the senior class is a class of badasses? Simple. We get a mob of seniors to wear mirrored-lens aviators, bright orange vests with “Hall Monitor” written on the back, and mustaches (fake or real– your choice). These “Hall Monitors” will also carry air horns, silly string, and maybe a megaphone. Any underclassmen seen clogging the halls will be politely asked to move once. If they decide not to, then the “Hall Monitor” can take a vigilante stand for all the annoyed upperclassmen and decide either to deafen the freshmen with an air horn blast, cover them in silly string, or tell them to “MOVE!” with a megaphone. I’m imagining that clumping will decrease by 80% with this kind of enforcement. That’s a statistic that faculty can’t argue with.

That’ s it for today. I’m going to begin researching my “Hall Monitor Kit” and then catch some Z’s for an early day at work. See you on the flipside, yo.

– Will

P.S. All kidding aside, don’t physically or verbally harass the Freshies… they may be annoying, but that’s not cool. We can show them we’re boss without being completely evil and ill-willed. 😉